花样年华 1：Shadow of My Childhood 童年的阴影-柾国(2)

爸爸说，生活太艰难了，这个世界对他来说太沉重了。妈妈没有回答。她可能在默默地哭泣，或者站在原地不动。沉默了许久。爸爸说如果他继续这样生活下去，他会崩溃的，他现在应该离开。妈妈极力反对，说他是最不负责任的人。然后，我听到了我的名字。“柾国怎么办?”我在推拉门后等了很长时间，但爸爸没有回答。然后我听到前门开了的声音。“我已经没有任何想法了，我没有什么可以为柾国做的了。”这是我父亲的临终遗言。
I ran back up the stairs to the attic. I moved my chair against the wall right under the window and stood on it. Dad was walking down the sloping road. First his legs disappeared, and then his waist, chest, and shoulders. It seemed as if an unknown world beyond the road was slowly swallowing him whole.
我跑回阁楼,把椅子靠在窗下的墙上，站了起来。爸爸沿着倾斜的路走着。先是他的腿不见了，然后是他的腰、胸和肩膀。路那边似乎有一个未知的世界正在慢慢地吞噬着他。
Someone jerked the door of my room open, and I instinctively pushed the drawer with my foot. It was Mom. She said no birthday card will ever come and Dad was just that kind of person. It was her usual repertoire. Dad was feeble-minded, incompetent, and most importantly, a social misfit who deserted us…. Mom was right. No birthday card will ever come. I was the world that was too heavy for him to bear-that world that he gave up on. A child who can never be the reason to endure it all. That was me.
有人猛地拉开我房间的门，我本能地用脚推了推抽屉。是妈妈。她说生日贺卡永远不会寄来，爸爸就是那种人。这是她惯常的套路。父亲意志薄弱、无能，最重要的是，他与社会格格不入，抛弃了我们…。妈妈是对的。生日贺卡永远不会寄来。我是他无法承受的沉重的世界——他放弃的那个世界。一个永远不能成为忍受一切的理由的孩子。那就是我。